The whole time I was reading this [wonderful, relatable] piece, Anaïs Nin was top of mind. If you haven’t read her diaries—I can’t recommend them enough. She’s a kindred soul 🤍 “I must be a mermaid. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.” —A.N.
I have forgotten about Anais Nin and I have not read her work save for a few references and the like. I will invest some time into her writing this year.
She was a great writer who mixed in LA quite a bit. Very sensual and deeply detailed storyteller and uber writer logger, I think there are over 600 items in her collection.
Ooof! Wow. Goes straight to my soul – I feel this so, so deeply. Last year, after I told my therapist I didn’t ever want to go back to a “normal” job , the kind I’d been doing for about ten years, she responded: ‘but you’re gonna have to, eventually.’
For a week, I cried my eyes out and and punched the hell out of my sand sack until my knuckles were blue – not because I was mad at her, but because I was so, so afraid she might just be right. What if my creative dreams wouldn’t work out? What if I spent even more years on these projects and nothing ever came back around? What if it was a waste of time – what if my inner voice, my inner knowing was wrong??
The week after, I confronted her and told her that while she didn’t have to believe in my dreams, it’s her job to support me in pursuing them anyway and leave her personal opinion behind while doing so. If she couldn’t pull it off, I’d need to get another therapist.
She listened, and now she still listens and supports me when I talk about how hard it is trying to put all my energy towards my writing when it barely brings in any money, she cheers for me when I talk about having had a successful, very creative writing session and she understand – just as well as I do, now – that that’s the way I gotta go.
Because, in the end, at 35 I’m way too old to live a life without creativity – or, to put it in your words, a life that doesn’t sparkle. ✨
Paradigm shift when you said you’re way too old to live a life without creativity! The opposite of feeling like it’s too late now. Thank you for that little insight 💜
Wow I had such a similar experience with my therapist. It really helps to read your story and feel less alone with that. She (quite angrily) said "You will eventually have to take responsability!" Ahm... wow. I thought the exact same thing: It is here JOB to support and help me figure my stuff out... I do not want here opinion. Thanks again for sharing your story. 🫶Wish you all the best for your journey! 💕
This feeling of guilt or laziness because I don't want a job is exactly what has been on my mind the last couple of days. For some reason somewhere deep down I'm so afraid of the judgment of other people, but also afraid of not having enough money. I also feel like money plays a huuuge part in those judgments. If you make a lot of money people will admire it or ask you how you do it
This made me cry! I have never felt more seen. I have tried soooo many jobs. And I hated every one of them. I just don’t work in “normal” society. Can’t do it anymore. I am unemployed now and in the midst of trying to figure it all out. You are a great inspiration. Thank you!
Wow this really hit home and is exactly the way I feel too. There is so much pressure to have a typical job. I just want to work at something that lights my soul up and am really happy to know there are others out there that feel as torn as I do. Thank you for sharing!
I’ve worked a ton of jobs in my life. Some office. Some more manual labor like supermarket bakery. I never focused on a career. I had a long stint as a full-time wife and mother (if anyone thinks that’s not work, often quite non-sparkling, they’d be wrong) punctuated by part-time jobs here and there. I have a teaching degree but knew teaching was an all-consuming job. I wanted to be a writer and focus my mind on my craft. It was doable.
But I didn’t have: fancy cars, expensive clothes, trips to the Bahamas, glam housing, nice furniture, mani-pedis, hair coloring, and a bunch of other things that people think they need (deserve?) In other words, a person might be able to have it all if they become very successful with their art, but it’s not guaranteed. I’ve been willing to sacrifice glamour for my writing life. It was a good trade. I’d do it again.
Amie, your words speak to the depths of my soul. You're one of the few people who I feel is on my same wavelength and it makes me feel a little less crazy. Or maybe we're both crazy. Yeah...let's be fucking crazy together 💜✨ here's to creating lives that sparkle
I was sitting in bed debating if I should walk away from this suffocating job and just go for what lights my soul on fire when I opened this app and this post was there…and I’m replying to your comment because both of your words spoke to my soul! I’ll jump on the crazy sparkle bandwagon and drive with you both! Cheers to sparkling lives and I’m seeing this as validation to just go for it. Thank you both❤️✨❤️✨
Yes!! I put my two week’s notice in at my 9-5 about a week ago so I’ll be joining you in that magnificent leap of faith ✨if not now, when? That’s what I keep sitting with and it’s guiding me forward
That’s exactly what my theme today has been…why wait until x months from now…why give my energy to something I’m sure I don’t want anymore. I have a large event that I planned in 2 weeks and I plan to give my notice the moment it’s over. I’m beyond excited, and filled with peace and optimism for the next chapter. Life’s too short to waste time on anything that doesn’t light you up! (I feel like my guides are saying “Finally, she’s picking up what we’ve been trying to show her!” lol)
You have articulated here, exactly how I have felt my whole life as a full time, self employed artist. This bizarre oscillation between loving what I do, finding it valuable and worthy - mixed with feelings of guilt, fear, exhaustion, satisfaction. I could not love this article more.
Wow.
So beautifully written, raw and utterly brilliant. Bravo for your refusal to settle for anything less than butterflies and magic . 🙌
Sometimes I avoid your emails because they hit too close to home. ;) I've learned to push through the guilt of spending time writing novels, but I have a HUGE block when it comes to doing the work to market them. My mind goes into complete fawn mode--blank staring at the screen. I can write complex 500-page novels but can't think of a thing to say in marketing content. I pre-ordered your book.
As I read this on my back, warm in my bed with freezing temps outside, an hour before I need to leave to work
(on my typical off day)
to toil in the elements,
(in which there are FREEZING TEMPS OUTSIDE!!!)
I feel taken over by a kindred warmth knowing that there are those like you, Amie, and like me in this crazy world, including those who also felt compelled to leave comments about how much this heartfelt essay meant to them.
We desire a life that sparkles, and yet so many of us have been fed the opposite, for most I guess because it’s simply all our guides ever known.
How amazing to be a trailblazer leaving the smell of rebellion and sparkles in your wake for those of us who demand more to follow, and carve our own path along the way.
Amie, I’m thankful for your need to write, your need to speak and be heard, as your sentiments always leave me feeling invigorated to continue to chase my dreams, and prove to myself that it can be done.
Whether you realize it or not, you’re doing very meaningful work— You’re kindling the smoldering embers in the hearts of the artists who desire more from this oppressive system, who want to make their mark while inspiring others with their creativity so that more can know they have the right and ability to chose a life that sparkles.
Yes, yes, yes! I gave up my "career" and decided to take jobs for the societal transaction that they are, time/money/capitalism. I also downsized my life so I need less. The result is I work less, own less, consume less, and have more time for creative projects and life in general. Sometimes I'm the oldest person in the room but in a junior role, I absolutely don't care as the freedom is immense. Sparkle while we've all still got light and life in us ✨️
Amie, I'm going to figure out a way to pre-order the UK version, because what the F*uck ; ) And yes! Took surviving cancer to make me carve out a job that I can make money at that lights me up and can support my art. Can't wait to read it.
Amie. You must have read my journal and been in my therapy session this week. I’ve never been so seen in my life. I feel like the only person I know who feels this way. What a relief to know others feel this way, too. I have been repulsed by mediocre jobs since I was a teenager (my parents telling me “you have to work and you’re probably not going to like it… that’s life.”) and I felt like a loser for feeling that way. I actually literally cried reading this. How validating. How wonderful to consider that this repulsion and drive to do my own work is a wonderful gift ❤️ thank you 🙏
Thanks for sharing your story! As usual I see myself in it big time! I have always had a deep desire for a creative life, one that finds joy in the messy, wonderful process that is art! Not in the status - conventional steps that society imposes us. Nothing wrong with them and as I grow older some of those steps have become an authentic expression for me too but I am all about living a life that is our self expression not what we ‘should’ be living! So thank you x x x
I am so glad you fought for a sparkly life. It gives so many folks hope. I can’t wait to read your book. Recently I tried to find a “real” job again, and failed miserably at it. I am already a stay at home mom, which the world doesn’t see as real work at all. And the fact that I want to be an artist? Most find it a joke. I spent years in active addiction trying force myself into a different way of being in the world but NO MORE. My little girl told me the other day that she wants to be an artist just like me. So, I say we change the system because I’ll be damned if someone is going to tell her she can’t do what she wants.
Fantastic Amie! Your post was like the anthem of my life! Parents always said “it’s why it’s called work, you aren’t supposed to like it, you just work” WTF? That’s not my world. Thank you so much for this and I pre-ordered your book!
The whole time I was reading this [wonderful, relatable] piece, Anaïs Nin was top of mind. If you haven’t read her diaries—I can’t recommend them enough. She’s a kindred soul 🤍 “I must be a mermaid. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.” —A.N.
I thought of her too! Only this is the quote that came to mind - “Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people’s. ”
Oh yes, that is such a good one, too! There are so many, really. She's the patron saint of soulful, restless, hungry writers.
I have forgotten about Anais Nin and I have not read her work save for a few references and the like. I will invest some time into her writing this year.
She was a great writer who mixed in LA quite a bit. Very sensual and deeply detailed storyteller and uber writer logger, I think there are over 600 items in her collection.
Oh I love this quote and recommendation! I'm going to look into her work asap
Ooof! Wow. Goes straight to my soul – I feel this so, so deeply. Last year, after I told my therapist I didn’t ever want to go back to a “normal” job , the kind I’d been doing for about ten years, she responded: ‘but you’re gonna have to, eventually.’
For a week, I cried my eyes out and and punched the hell out of my sand sack until my knuckles were blue – not because I was mad at her, but because I was so, so afraid she might just be right. What if my creative dreams wouldn’t work out? What if I spent even more years on these projects and nothing ever came back around? What if it was a waste of time – what if my inner voice, my inner knowing was wrong??
The week after, I confronted her and told her that while she didn’t have to believe in my dreams, it’s her job to support me in pursuing them anyway and leave her personal opinion behind while doing so. If she couldn’t pull it off, I’d need to get another therapist.
She listened, and now she still listens and supports me when I talk about how hard it is trying to put all my energy towards my writing when it barely brings in any money, she cheers for me when I talk about having had a successful, very creative writing session and she understand – just as well as I do, now – that that’s the way I gotta go.
Because, in the end, at 35 I’m way too old to live a life without creativity – or, to put it in your words, a life that doesn’t sparkle. ✨
Paradigm shift when you said you’re way too old to live a life without creativity! The opposite of feeling like it’s too late now. Thank you for that little insight 💜
Oh wow thank you I love that – didn’t even notice it was a direct opposite, that’s even more amazing 🫶
Wow I had such a similar experience with my therapist. It really helps to read your story and feel less alone with that. She (quite angrily) said "You will eventually have to take responsability!" Ahm... wow. I thought the exact same thing: It is here JOB to support and help me figure my stuff out... I do not want here opinion. Thanks again for sharing your story. 🫶Wish you all the best for your journey! 💕
I love that for you, that you're fighting for your sparkly life. And amazing that you confonted your theapist and demanded support! 👏🤩
This feeling of guilt or laziness because I don't want a job is exactly what has been on my mind the last couple of days. For some reason somewhere deep down I'm so afraid of the judgment of other people, but also afraid of not having enough money. I also feel like money plays a huuuge part in those judgments. If you make a lot of money people will admire it or ask you how you do it
Mhm! Doesn't really matter if it makes you happy, as long as you make a lot of money you get validation, support and admiration... so silly....🫥
That is so true!
This made me cry! I have never felt more seen. I have tried soooo many jobs. And I hated every one of them. I just don’t work in “normal” society. Can’t do it anymore. I am unemployed now and in the midst of trying to figure it all out. You are a great inspiration. Thank you!
Wow this really hit home and is exactly the way I feel too. There is so much pressure to have a typical job. I just want to work at something that lights my soul up and am really happy to know there are others out there that feel as torn as I do. Thank you for sharing!
I’ve worked a ton of jobs in my life. Some office. Some more manual labor like supermarket bakery. I never focused on a career. I had a long stint as a full-time wife and mother (if anyone thinks that’s not work, often quite non-sparkling, they’d be wrong) punctuated by part-time jobs here and there. I have a teaching degree but knew teaching was an all-consuming job. I wanted to be a writer and focus my mind on my craft. It was doable.
But I didn’t have: fancy cars, expensive clothes, trips to the Bahamas, glam housing, nice furniture, mani-pedis, hair coloring, and a bunch of other things that people think they need (deserve?) In other words, a person might be able to have it all if they become very successful with their art, but it’s not guaranteed. I’ve been willing to sacrifice glamour for my writing life. It was a good trade. I’d do it again.
Amie, your words speak to the depths of my soul. You're one of the few people who I feel is on my same wavelength and it makes me feel a little less crazy. Or maybe we're both crazy. Yeah...let's be fucking crazy together 💜✨ here's to creating lives that sparkle
I was sitting in bed debating if I should walk away from this suffocating job and just go for what lights my soul on fire when I opened this app and this post was there…and I’m replying to your comment because both of your words spoke to my soul! I’ll jump on the crazy sparkle bandwagon and drive with you both! Cheers to sparkling lives and I’m seeing this as validation to just go for it. Thank you both❤️✨❤️✨
Yes!! I put my two week’s notice in at my 9-5 about a week ago so I’ll be joining you in that magnificent leap of faith ✨if not now, when? That’s what I keep sitting with and it’s guiding me forward
That’s exactly what my theme today has been…why wait until x months from now…why give my energy to something I’m sure I don’t want anymore. I have a large event that I planned in 2 weeks and I plan to give my notice the moment it’s over. I’m beyond excited, and filled with peace and optimism for the next chapter. Life’s too short to waste time on anything that doesn’t light you up! (I feel like my guides are saying “Finally, she’s picking up what we’ve been trying to show her!” lol)
You have articulated here, exactly how I have felt my whole life as a full time, self employed artist. This bizarre oscillation between loving what I do, finding it valuable and worthy - mixed with feelings of guilt, fear, exhaustion, satisfaction. I could not love this article more.
Wow.
So beautifully written, raw and utterly brilliant. Bravo for your refusal to settle for anything less than butterflies and magic . 🙌
Sometimes I avoid your emails because they hit too close to home. ;) I've learned to push through the guilt of spending time writing novels, but I have a HUGE block when it comes to doing the work to market them. My mind goes into complete fawn mode--blank staring at the screen. I can write complex 500-page novels but can't think of a thing to say in marketing content. I pre-ordered your book.
As I read this on my back, warm in my bed with freezing temps outside, an hour before I need to leave to work
(on my typical off day)
to toil in the elements,
(in which there are FREEZING TEMPS OUTSIDE!!!)
I feel taken over by a kindred warmth knowing that there are those like you, Amie, and like me in this crazy world, including those who also felt compelled to leave comments about how much this heartfelt essay meant to them.
We desire a life that sparkles, and yet so many of us have been fed the opposite, for most I guess because it’s simply all our guides ever known.
How amazing to be a trailblazer leaving the smell of rebellion and sparkles in your wake for those of us who demand more to follow, and carve our own path along the way.
Amie, I’m thankful for your need to write, your need to speak and be heard, as your sentiments always leave me feeling invigorated to continue to chase my dreams, and prove to myself that it can be done.
Whether you realize it or not, you’re doing very meaningful work— You’re kindling the smoldering embers in the hearts of the artists who desire more from this oppressive system, who want to make their mark while inspiring others with their creativity so that more can know they have the right and ability to chose a life that sparkles.
Much love to the rebels. Keep on shining. ✨✨✨
Yes, yes, yes! I gave up my "career" and decided to take jobs for the societal transaction that they are, time/money/capitalism. I also downsized my life so I need less. The result is I work less, own less, consume less, and have more time for creative projects and life in general. Sometimes I'm the oldest person in the room but in a junior role, I absolutely don't care as the freedom is immense. Sparkle while we've all still got light and life in us ✨️
Amie, I'm going to figure out a way to pre-order the UK version, because what the F*uck ; ) And yes! Took surviving cancer to make me carve out a job that I can make money at that lights me up and can support my art. Can't wait to read it.
Amie. You must have read my journal and been in my therapy session this week. I’ve never been so seen in my life. I feel like the only person I know who feels this way. What a relief to know others feel this way, too. I have been repulsed by mediocre jobs since I was a teenager (my parents telling me “you have to work and you’re probably not going to like it… that’s life.”) and I felt like a loser for feeling that way. I actually literally cried reading this. How validating. How wonderful to consider that this repulsion and drive to do my own work is a wonderful gift ❤️ thank you 🙏
Thanks for sharing your story! As usual I see myself in it big time! I have always had a deep desire for a creative life, one that finds joy in the messy, wonderful process that is art! Not in the status - conventional steps that society imposes us. Nothing wrong with them and as I grow older some of those steps have become an authentic expression for me too but I am all about living a life that is our self expression not what we ‘should’ be living! So thank you x x x
I am so glad you fought for a sparkly life. It gives so many folks hope. I can’t wait to read your book. Recently I tried to find a “real” job again, and failed miserably at it. I am already a stay at home mom, which the world doesn’t see as real work at all. And the fact that I want to be an artist? Most find it a joke. I spent years in active addiction trying force myself into a different way of being in the world but NO MORE. My little girl told me the other day that she wants to be an artist just like me. So, I say we change the system because I’ll be damned if someone is going to tell her she can’t do what she wants.
Fantastic Amie! Your post was like the anthem of my life! Parents always said “it’s why it’s called work, you aren’t supposed to like it, you just work” WTF? That’s not my world. Thank you so much for this and I pre-ordered your book!