On not wanting motherhood

Indecision, decision, guilt, and incredulousness

Content warning: This is an essay about not wanting children.

“I don’t want kids right now, but I’m always open to changing my mind!” is my line.

Sometimes, I use this one: “Not right now, but you never know!”

If you are someone who doesn’t want children, or is unsure about the choice, you might have a line too. Personally, I like having a small script prepared. Because, at 32, the topic of babies and children comes up a lot and I don’t like being caught out.

But lately, I’ve been noticing that the “open to changing my mind” line has been making me feel uncomfortable. More than that, it’s been doing damage to the way I relate to myself and to others.

Saying I might have kids eventually feels like saying: I might quit writing and go back to working in the corporate world eventually. Like… No. Not unless anything goes very wrong, my personality completely changes, or someone forces me.

I think I use the "maybe I will change my mind" method to soften the blow to the world that wanted and expected me to have kids. I think, initially, I used the line to soften the blow to myself, as someone who assumed I would eventually want them. It was a way for me to settle into the concept. A liminal space to get comfortable with a future I never imagined for myself.

Not wanting children took me by surprise.

I kept waiting for the wanting to happen, and it never occurred. I didn’t get cluckiness. I got incredulousness. Instead of feeling broody, I felt guilty. Instead of becoming maternal. I became lonely.

Incredulousness, as in: why are people so surprised I don’t want this? Has anyone really fucking looked at the way this world treats mothers / what it is like to have children??

Guilt as in: I've let my parents down. My in-laws down. My sister down. My friends down. Guilt as in, I feel like I’m a disappointment. I feel like I killed a version of myself that people already sort of loved. I killed an idea, that people were attached to: Amie and James as parents.

Lonely as in: oh my god, I have been left behind. No one can relate to my life anymore. And I can’t relate to theirs. Lonely, as in: maybe people will think of me as the perpetual child that never got a real job, and never grew up, who can’t join in on the big adult conversations because she’s got no idea what it’s like.

I think about motherhood so much.

Especially when I am around my community, nearly all of whom have children. The fact that this topic takes up so much space in my brain pisses me off. I nauseate myself when I bring it up for the millionth time in therapy. Like, Amie, chill out - if you were all good about not wanting kids maybe you wouldn't need to talk about it so much?

But I'm not all good about this. I'm not all good with the culture that has me left feeling so lonely, I’m not good with the way this conversation unfolds in our society. I’m incredibly angry FOR mothers and the way they are left to fend. I am super pissed of at biology? Which is a weird one. I’m not good with so so much of this. And so I keep thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it.

The other day James and I talked about freezing my eggs. Immediately, I was angry. Interesting, the rage was directed at a future version of myself, who had changed her mind and betrayed me. Just the thought of freezing my eggs felt like self betrayal. Like, I didn’t respect myself or my decision. I didn’t respect my wants, and want nots.

Giving myself room to change my mind is exhausting me.

“I don’t want kids right now, but I’m always open to changing my mind!” Is a way of making others feel okay about my decision. So they can feel more comfortable around me. It’s a way for me to feel safe in a world that still isn’t used to hearing the words, “I don’t want kids.” It’s a defence mechanism that is no longer serving me.

I am a rebellious and stubborn soul, who likes to go against the grain. I’ve regularly worried that people will think I don’t want to have kids just to seem different. Consequently, I’ve been caveating my choice with a loud: But don’t worry I'm open to changing my mind! Because I want to defend my character and the integrity of my choice. But this is not some anti establishment rebellion for rebellion sake. This is some anti establishment rebellion because I don't fucking want it not even in the tiniest bit.

I endeavour to have an open, compassionate mind. I want to be changing my mind on topics and thoughts until the day I die. Black and white, binary thinking has pissed me off since I was little. I want to live in the grey. I want duality. I want to contradict myself. I want to listen and learn and grow and change, always.

But I do not want kids. Just like how I do not want to work in a fluro lit office. Just like how I don’t want to wear dresses. Just like how I do not want play board games. I don’t want it.

I want a child free life. Just like I want to write stories, just like how I want to drink coffee in bed each morning, just like I want my hair extensions back in again.

I am honouring my wants and want nots. And it feels fucking wonderful.

Amie.