Love this so much, Amie! When I was young, I wanted like 7 kids. Unpacking that in therapy made realize what deep abandonment wounds I had that were causing that desire. I immediately swung to the other side of the spectrum for a bit. But people's responses shifted me to the gray. Now, it's been about 10 or more years, where I feel quite clear that it's a no. Trying to talk about these shifts with people was exhausting and it felt like a violation. Now, I proudly say my hubby and I are child free indefinitely and all I feel is gratitude. For finding the right person who gets it. For honoring my desire to be an energetic mama to my creations and to my community. It's unfair that we have to claw our way to acceptance with something that has such a major impact on our bodies, emotions, and finances. I'm grateful for you sharing your truth, potentially radiating more grace and safety for those who are still not ready to share theirs.
So gorgeously expressed, Esther. Talking to people who don’t get it is exhausting and a violation!
“It’s unfair that we have to claw our way to acceptance with something that has such a major impact on our bodies, emotions, and finances.” Yes to this!!
At 53 I am profoundly at peace with being child-free, but I know the struggle can be difficult for younger women or women in families that don’t support them.
Every single woman who shares her truth about this liberates more women to share their truth about this. So I’m deeply grateful for this conversation.
Oh Aimee, I feel this pain so much. It's as if I have written the words myself. When you have a free and creative spirit it's so hard to envision a life of being tied down or enslaved to the domestic duties of drudgery as a mother... at least the version of motherhood we are sold. I hate that society is built the way it is too with little support on mothers or women in general. I wish so much we lived in a matriarchal system where there is stronger community, village and connection. I went to therapy too, I went back and forth with the decision and HATED thst it was constantly on my mind. And you know what I did? I had a fucking child and now I'm done, I'm over the bloody back and forth of it all. And he is magic, life is in the full spectrum of colour, I share stories and creativity with him, he has a rich inner world. He's inspired me to keep going with my writing too, something I did not expect. It is such a fucking hard decision and it should be. You would make a wonderful mother if you ever chose it but you'd also make a wonderful aunt, friend, village support member to those creative mothers like myself who need support 💕
Oh my word! I second all of this. I am the same. I didn’t want kids at all at 32 but around 35 I became open to it and was so pissed about it. Then I had a little boy when I was almost 37 and he is completely magic. And I don’t know about you but I have found that having an only child feels almost as counterculture as if I had none. It’s wild!
It 100% feels counter-culture as if I had none 😂 and as I always say.. one is an accessory, two is a lifestyle. I'm content with one, it was hard enough to make the decision to have him in the first place let alone another is what I would tell people if they asked if I would have another. But no one has. I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt for not giving him a sibling, particularly as my husband and i age and he doesnt have that familial support in a sibling or shared childhood memories.. But he's enriched my world fully, I did not except the spiritual element and blooming creativity that came with it, I was told it was all doom and gloom and slavery and you lose yourself and I haven't found that to be true. Time just marches on.
Love this comment! Such a lovely way to describe your life with your child and I hope I experience something similar. And yes to just having one also being counterculture. I just had my first baby in October and within a few weeks of the birth several people asked us about baby number two!
As someone who is also “one and done” I resonate with the counterculture you speak of. We are constantly bombarded with “when are you having another” despite our child being almost 7 years old now. People seem to better understand the idea of none versus one….
At the other end of the spectrum I grieve for my life before a kid. I miss the freedom of being on my own schedule. I miss the quiet that comes with that. I often find that taboo to speak of, as most people take it as “you don’t want your kid” when that is so far from the truth. Sigh
I loved reading this and it's a lovely glimpse into the other side. I've seen a few others were it was a I don't want kids, nobody should and if you did its bad. So I love your journey and take.
I'm glad you know what you want and you shouldn't feel guilty about taking that option away, as my friend once said to her mum 'if you want a baby in this household, you better start at it as it ain't coming from me'. And even as someone who wants children I agree wholehearted with her. That if they really want kids and not just expect kids then they'd find a way, they can risk it themselves or foster or adopt or babysit or volunteer, etc. They are grown adults also with the ability to think so should respect how you feel.
I'm on the other side. I want kids. I have 2 that I only see on weekend and holidays (Asshole ex and social services decided being in a wheelchair meant I couldn't look after kids). I am 32 and I get treated like shit for wanting kids. [seems we can't catch a break either way]. 20 was too young to have them, bare in mind I was married and everyone else was popping them out as soon as they hit 18. I am irresponsible for having children when I'm chronically ill (didn't know that when I had them) and for still wanting my own children and more. I had always planned on fostering alongside my biological children as I saw how much good it did for those children (especially for the older teens who don't normally get pick -seen as unruly and not cute and cuddly so often left to fend for themselves in the system) yet that is treated as equally bad. Many have said that I never wanted kids it's all men placing the ideas into our minds.
It seems that motherhood is only allowed when people older then you wish it with a bibidi bobidi boo and if we go against that, we are wrong.
Sorry for being all rambly. Hope this makes a lick if sense.
I feel like i had this debate in my head for years. I had always wanted a kid and in my mod thirties i found someone and thought the whole thing would unfold. But that relationship was not it and in the years that followed and i turned 40 I didn’t meet anyone and was exploring self healing and creativity and i also saw first hand how hard parenting was from friends. The thoughts in my head raged til i was 40. Then I listened to this podcast with Ruby Warrington and it was like a light got turned on. She talked about how insidious patriarchy is on this topic and also said we can pour our love into so many things- a child being one of them. And since then it’s like a whole new life and future has opened up. I can create, have money and continue to parent myself. I don’t worry about’if i’ll regret it’ and see how i can be powerful and loving in a childless/free life. Highly recommend Ruby Warrington on Glennon Doyle’s podcast.
Amie, it's so irritating that others put this pressure on women! As soon as a man and woman marry everyone around them is all "when's the baby coming?". Or people say- "well who will take care of you when you're old?" And then you cannot just have one kid, you must have 2...and so on.
It's absolutely no one's business but your own!
It's your life to live and to not live for others! Also, I have kids and I tell them this all the time! I'm like kids, you don't have to seek marriage, have children or even live in the same country! You are your own person with wants, needs and big dreams (hopefully!). ✨️
I never wanted to have kids. I have notebooks from childhood, when I talk about how I don't want to have kids lol. I was still very unprepared for that tiny window in my late 30s where I second-guessed myself. I'm not saying that will happen to you, or anyone else. Only that it took me by surprise. And by the time I was in my early 40s and the feeling went away, and I was back to feeling myself, happy when I knew my future did not include having children, I was very happy. I was lucky to have older women friends (in their 40s and 50s) who did not want to have children who… Warned me? And said, hey, Biology biology and you might actually feel something at the tail end of your fertility. Please do not take this as advice because I don't mean to give advice… I am just sharing what happened to me. For what it's worth I'm almost 50 now, still don't have kids, and very happy I didn't act on impulse in my late 30s lol. It's really unfortunate that women who are in their 30s who don't want to have kids continue to receive pressure as though we are children ourselves and don't actually know what we want. Stay strong, and ride any waves. Fuck other peoples opinions. As you might tell, I have strong opinions about this. I hope I haven't overstepped by sharing them.
Also, how lucky are we that we actually get to choose? The same can't be said for so many women, everywhere, including our own relatives in our own lineages .
FWIW I grew up in a religious environment, and have multiple siblings. My mother's life looked awful. She tried to convince me it was amazing, but I didn't fall for it, lol.
I recently read a post from a writer who doesn't have kids, and she said she was sick and tired of people giving her advice like she could be a great auntie if she's not a mother. She framed it in a way I haven't heard it framed by many childfree women: I don't have to be a great auntie, either. I don't have to justify that. I don't want to have children. I just don't want them. I want to be a writer. Period.
I grew up in a breeder religion, too. I saw a lot of negative effects of the larger and larger families. and the horrible effects on women in particular, who had NO LIFE, and horrible tolls on their bodies and psyches.
Relatable!! I do have kids, but in the seasons before having kids, I got the question all the time. I actually DID want kids. And after a while, since it was taking time for us as a couple to be comfortable with our situation in order to welcome kids, I got content and enjoyed time where it was just my husband and I. I stopped pining for what was not yet. The answer to the question was complicated and ever changing. I was always angry that anyone thought it was their business to ask. Wanting/not wanting kids is NOT small talk and is no one’s business.
Thank you so much for this! As someone who doesn’t desire to have kids at all at the moment I resonate with everything you said. I’m 32 as well and not married yet so you can imagine the questions I get. I wish more people would talk about this! It’s so refreshing to feel seen through your words. I hope it helps others as it has helped
I was thinking about this just 10 mins before I saw your post! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, I completely resonate with all of it. I totally support others that really do want children, but I always think, rather than the automatic “why are you not having children?”, I find the question “why are you choosing to have children?” more important, and just as fair to ask. Because that’s the life changing choice that you can’t take back, and shouldn’t just be made as the default next step in life!
Stay true to yourself! I’m so glad that women nowadays feel more free to express this want, cuz I’m afraid in previous generations there were some very unhappy parents who became parents just to fit in with societal norms. That’s not a good reason to parent little humans!! Please, just be you and do you!! Cuz you are fucking amazing!! 💜💜💜
I feel many women I know became mothers primarily due to societal pressures - really very sad. Not 100% sure my own husband wasn’t of that mindset, either.
It is sad. Especially if they end up without the social/family support that is so critical for maternal care.
I only had a single friend without children tell me that she didn't want children, contended with a strong bio urge around 40, and then was grateful she stuck with her original decision when that urge dissipated. So I was ready to ride that hormone wave without blowing up my life.
Society is very keen on telling ALL women to act on that urge regardless of how little sense it makes to do so. Have children at all costs! No. No thank you. I love children, AND I have known since I was a toddler that I am absolutely not cut out to sacrifice myself at the altar of motherhood.
It's frustrating to me that we continue to demand that women who are not mothers must prove their nurturing instincts (the ' you would make a great aunt' type of thinking, which initially appears harmless). Whereas men without children are absolutely not asked to prove their ability to provide for anybody.
As you can tell, I have a lot to say on the topic, lol.
I think this still happens in this generation. The amount of people who have looked at me like 'That was an option?!" when I say I don't have or want kids is terrifying.
Love this Amie, and you for speaking out on it! My husband and I decided after years of saying ‘we’re not sure if we want kids’ (when we were sure we didn’t), that we would just say it how it was, ‘we decided not to have kids’. The more open I was, the better the convos I had with others around it, the better it all felt. In my 40s now and not a regret, it just wasn’t my path in life.
I’m 37 and my husband is 46 and I think about this too often too. I enjoy my life and yet I adore children but I acknowledge (like you do) just how hard it is for mothers and that’s what I don’t want. In a perfect world if I was independently wealthy and had a nanny and a support network, maybe I’d want children (or at least a child) but the world is not perfect. I don’t write full time but I can write around my editorial day job and I love my quiet mornings of writing in bed before work. I don’t want to switch that to the chaos of caring for a small person even if people say motherhood brings joy. I’m sure it does but it also brings expectation and a busy life where I would not just get to do whatever I wanted. Hard agree: “Has anyone really fucking looked at the way this world treats mothers / what it is like to have children??” 🙈
Felt every part of this article. I always assumed that there would be a moment where I felt magically “ready” and that I would want kids, but it’s never come. We need to normalize the drive to not have children and decrease that loneliness.
I enjoyed reading this Amie - it’s so thoughtful and honest. I’m 48 and I don’t have kids. At one stage I considered it but I never really wanted my own kids. I am relieved. It wasn’t right for me. I enjoy being an aunt and part time step mum. But I need time for myself and to create. It was the right decision for me and I’m glad you know what’s right for you.
I so fuckin' love this. The last decades of my life I felt the same. I am 55. I never wanted kids for so many reasons. It is something I did not take lightly. My decision came with lots of heart and thought and I too, felt the guilt, shame, the awfulness, the coldness among many other things. Did I hate kids? No. I love and adore kids, they are beautiful little souls, yet I couldn't see myself but for a small window of time thinking that maybe, possibly maybe? But I later stood firm in my decision and I got much cold and off putting attitude mainly from women. I felt ostersized by women, yet they, as a group, never were accepting of me to begin with (a different topic), and I kept feeling I had to prove myself as a woman, a loving and caring woman if I had kids. But no one asks about the single mom or the mom that is being abused by her husband and has no authority over her own body and home ans yet she is supposed to get it together for the sake of the kids and family and pretend that all is well. I just couldn't keep that charade for long. So when I became and adult, I decided not to have them. Oh the scrutiny. Yet now, at 55, I honestly, I am happy with my decision, a decision that was true to me, and I don't regret. It was challenged many times over, my decision, but at this point in my life in society the decision is more accepting and more women I meet feel like I do and are not feeling alone as I used to decades ago. I applaud your decision. It's your life and the life you and James is for you and how you want to live it. It's no one else's. In the end, it's how you see your life the richest and fullest and authentic to you. I love your brave. I say brave because this decision and to say it in the midst of so many people that want children and want you to jump on the bandwagon will have you torn, but if you are grounded in your decision either way in how you chose, it's all you. Living life unapologetically and authentically for you.
I love this, and I love you. And I love that I can hear your voice as I read this because of the authentic way you write. Thanks for letting us see you in your liminal space. The beautiful struggle of becoming - more you. xoxo
Absolutely loved reading this Amie. I knew in my 20s that the maternal instinct and desire my peers seemed to have to have kids, just wasn't in me. I was open to changing my mind for a while, but with time, I've begun to feel so grounded in my choice to be child-free (which is rooted in both personal inclinations and how I want my life to play out, as well an environmental perspective). Coming from a conservative society, and now 36, I have plenty of lines, mostly humorous ones. But I've also realized that choosing to be child-free is a privilege in a world where many women are groomed not to even see it as a choice.
Love this so much, Amie! When I was young, I wanted like 7 kids. Unpacking that in therapy made realize what deep abandonment wounds I had that were causing that desire. I immediately swung to the other side of the spectrum for a bit. But people's responses shifted me to the gray. Now, it's been about 10 or more years, where I feel quite clear that it's a no. Trying to talk about these shifts with people was exhausting and it felt like a violation. Now, I proudly say my hubby and I are child free indefinitely and all I feel is gratitude. For finding the right person who gets it. For honoring my desire to be an energetic mama to my creations and to my community. It's unfair that we have to claw our way to acceptance with something that has such a major impact on our bodies, emotions, and finances. I'm grateful for you sharing your truth, potentially radiating more grace and safety for those who are still not ready to share theirs.
Esther, as always, so so grateful for you in my life. Thank you for these words. I feel so much less alone.
So gorgeously expressed, Esther. Talking to people who don’t get it is exhausting and a violation!
“It’s unfair that we have to claw our way to acceptance with something that has such a major impact on our bodies, emotions, and finances.” Yes to this!!
At 53 I am profoundly at peace with being child-free, but I know the struggle can be difficult for younger women or women in families that don’t support them.
Every single woman who shares her truth about this liberates more women to share their truth about this. So I’m deeply grateful for this conversation.
Oh Aimee, I feel this pain so much. It's as if I have written the words myself. When you have a free and creative spirit it's so hard to envision a life of being tied down or enslaved to the domestic duties of drudgery as a mother... at least the version of motherhood we are sold. I hate that society is built the way it is too with little support on mothers or women in general. I wish so much we lived in a matriarchal system where there is stronger community, village and connection. I went to therapy too, I went back and forth with the decision and HATED thst it was constantly on my mind. And you know what I did? I had a fucking child and now I'm done, I'm over the bloody back and forth of it all. And he is magic, life is in the full spectrum of colour, I share stories and creativity with him, he has a rich inner world. He's inspired me to keep going with my writing too, something I did not expect. It is such a fucking hard decision and it should be. You would make a wonderful mother if you ever chose it but you'd also make a wonderful aunt, friend, village support member to those creative mothers like myself who need support 💕
Oh my word! I second all of this. I am the same. I didn’t want kids at all at 32 but around 35 I became open to it and was so pissed about it. Then I had a little boy when I was almost 37 and he is completely magic. And I don’t know about you but I have found that having an only child feels almost as counterculture as if I had none. It’s wild!
It 100% feels counter-culture as if I had none 😂 and as I always say.. one is an accessory, two is a lifestyle. I'm content with one, it was hard enough to make the decision to have him in the first place let alone another is what I would tell people if they asked if I would have another. But no one has. I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt for not giving him a sibling, particularly as my husband and i age and he doesnt have that familial support in a sibling or shared childhood memories.. But he's enriched my world fully, I did not except the spiritual element and blooming creativity that came with it, I was told it was all doom and gloom and slavery and you lose yourself and I haven't found that to be true. Time just marches on.
Love this comment! Such a lovely way to describe your life with your child and I hope I experience something similar. And yes to just having one also being counterculture. I just had my first baby in October and within a few weeks of the birth several people asked us about baby number two!
As someone who is also “one and done” I resonate with the counterculture you speak of. We are constantly bombarded with “when are you having another” despite our child being almost 7 years old now. People seem to better understand the idea of none versus one….
At the other end of the spectrum I grieve for my life before a kid. I miss the freedom of being on my own schedule. I miss the quiet that comes with that. I often find that taboo to speak of, as most people take it as “you don’t want your kid” when that is so far from the truth. Sigh
I loved reading this and it's a lovely glimpse into the other side. I've seen a few others were it was a I don't want kids, nobody should and if you did its bad. So I love your journey and take.
I'm glad you know what you want and you shouldn't feel guilty about taking that option away, as my friend once said to her mum 'if you want a baby in this household, you better start at it as it ain't coming from me'. And even as someone who wants children I agree wholehearted with her. That if they really want kids and not just expect kids then they'd find a way, they can risk it themselves or foster or adopt or babysit or volunteer, etc. They are grown adults also with the ability to think so should respect how you feel.
I'm on the other side. I want kids. I have 2 that I only see on weekend and holidays (Asshole ex and social services decided being in a wheelchair meant I couldn't look after kids). I am 32 and I get treated like shit for wanting kids. [seems we can't catch a break either way]. 20 was too young to have them, bare in mind I was married and everyone else was popping them out as soon as they hit 18. I am irresponsible for having children when I'm chronically ill (didn't know that when I had them) and for still wanting my own children and more. I had always planned on fostering alongside my biological children as I saw how much good it did for those children (especially for the older teens who don't normally get pick -seen as unruly and not cute and cuddly so often left to fend for themselves in the system) yet that is treated as equally bad. Many have said that I never wanted kids it's all men placing the ideas into our minds.
It seems that motherhood is only allowed when people older then you wish it with a bibidi bobidi boo and if we go against that, we are wrong.
Sorry for being all rambly. Hope this makes a lick if sense.
Sorry, I think I responded to the wrong comment. The problem with reading these threads on a tiny plastic box, lol.
I feel like i had this debate in my head for years. I had always wanted a kid and in my mod thirties i found someone and thought the whole thing would unfold. But that relationship was not it and in the years that followed and i turned 40 I didn’t meet anyone and was exploring self healing and creativity and i also saw first hand how hard parenting was from friends. The thoughts in my head raged til i was 40. Then I listened to this podcast with Ruby Warrington and it was like a light got turned on. She talked about how insidious patriarchy is on this topic and also said we can pour our love into so many things- a child being one of them. And since then it’s like a whole new life and future has opened up. I can create, have money and continue to parent myself. I don’t worry about’if i’ll regret it’ and see how i can be powerful and loving in a childless/free life. Highly recommend Ruby Warrington on Glennon Doyle’s podcast.
I LOVE Ruby. Thank you so much for sharing this Amelia. So grateful for you.
Amie, it's so irritating that others put this pressure on women! As soon as a man and woman marry everyone around them is all "when's the baby coming?". Or people say- "well who will take care of you when you're old?" And then you cannot just have one kid, you must have 2...and so on.
It's absolutely no one's business but your own!
It's your life to live and to not live for others! Also, I have kids and I tell them this all the time! I'm like kids, you don't have to seek marriage, have children or even live in the same country! You are your own person with wants, needs and big dreams (hopefully!). ✨️
I never wanted to have kids. I have notebooks from childhood, when I talk about how I don't want to have kids lol. I was still very unprepared for that tiny window in my late 30s where I second-guessed myself. I'm not saying that will happen to you, or anyone else. Only that it took me by surprise. And by the time I was in my early 40s and the feeling went away, and I was back to feeling myself, happy when I knew my future did not include having children, I was very happy. I was lucky to have older women friends (in their 40s and 50s) who did not want to have children who… Warned me? And said, hey, Biology biology and you might actually feel something at the tail end of your fertility. Please do not take this as advice because I don't mean to give advice… I am just sharing what happened to me. For what it's worth I'm almost 50 now, still don't have kids, and very happy I didn't act on impulse in my late 30s lol. It's really unfortunate that women who are in their 30s who don't want to have kids continue to receive pressure as though we are children ourselves and don't actually know what we want. Stay strong, and ride any waves. Fuck other peoples opinions. As you might tell, I have strong opinions about this. I hope I haven't overstepped by sharing them.
Also, how lucky are we that we actually get to choose? The same can't be said for so many women, everywhere, including our own relatives in our own lineages .
FWIW I grew up in a religious environment, and have multiple siblings. My mother's life looked awful. She tried to convince me it was amazing, but I didn't fall for it, lol.
I recently read a post from a writer who doesn't have kids, and she said she was sick and tired of people giving her advice like she could be a great auntie if she's not a mother. She framed it in a way I haven't heard it framed by many childfree women: I don't have to be a great auntie, either. I don't have to justify that. I don't want to have children. I just don't want them. I want to be a writer. Period.
I felt SEEN.
I grew up in a breeder religion, too. I saw a lot of negative effects of the larger and larger families. and the horrible effects on women in particular, who had NO LIFE, and horrible tolls on their bodies and psyches.
One hundred percent. My mother had four children under the age of five no family or social support. No wonder she had mental health issues.
Relatable!! I do have kids, but in the seasons before having kids, I got the question all the time. I actually DID want kids. And after a while, since it was taking time for us as a couple to be comfortable with our situation in order to welcome kids, I got content and enjoyed time where it was just my husband and I. I stopped pining for what was not yet. The answer to the question was complicated and ever changing. I was always angry that anyone thought it was their business to ask. Wanting/not wanting kids is NOT small talk and is no one’s business.
Thank you so much for this! As someone who doesn’t desire to have kids at all at the moment I resonate with everything you said. I’m 32 as well and not married yet so you can imagine the questions I get. I wish more people would talk about this! It’s so refreshing to feel seen through your words. I hope it helps others as it has helped
me 🙌🏽🙏🏽
I was thinking about this just 10 mins before I saw your post! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, I completely resonate with all of it. I totally support others that really do want children, but I always think, rather than the automatic “why are you not having children?”, I find the question “why are you choosing to have children?” more important, and just as fair to ask. Because that’s the life changing choice that you can’t take back, and shouldn’t just be made as the default next step in life!
This 👏🏻
Stay true to yourself! I’m so glad that women nowadays feel more free to express this want, cuz I’m afraid in previous generations there were some very unhappy parents who became parents just to fit in with societal norms. That’s not a good reason to parent little humans!! Please, just be you and do you!! Cuz you are fucking amazing!! 💜💜💜
Yep. In another lifetime, my mother wouldn't have had any children at all.
I feel many women I know became mothers primarily due to societal pressures - really very sad. Not 100% sure my own husband wasn’t of that mindset, either.
It is sad. Especially if they end up without the social/family support that is so critical for maternal care.
I only had a single friend without children tell me that she didn't want children, contended with a strong bio urge around 40, and then was grateful she stuck with her original decision when that urge dissipated. So I was ready to ride that hormone wave without blowing up my life.
Society is very keen on telling ALL women to act on that urge regardless of how little sense it makes to do so. Have children at all costs! No. No thank you. I love children, AND I have known since I was a toddler that I am absolutely not cut out to sacrifice myself at the altar of motherhood.
It's frustrating to me that we continue to demand that women who are not mothers must prove their nurturing instincts (the ' you would make a great aunt' type of thinking, which initially appears harmless). Whereas men without children are absolutely not asked to prove their ability to provide for anybody.
As you can tell, I have a lot to say on the topic, lol.
I think this still happens in this generation. The amount of people who have looked at me like 'That was an option?!" when I say I don't have or want kids is terrifying.
Love this Amie, and you for speaking out on it! My husband and I decided after years of saying ‘we’re not sure if we want kids’ (when we were sure we didn’t), that we would just say it how it was, ‘we decided not to have kids’. The more open I was, the better the convos I had with others around it, the better it all felt. In my 40s now and not a regret, it just wasn’t my path in life.
I’m 37 and my husband is 46 and I think about this too often too. I enjoy my life and yet I adore children but I acknowledge (like you do) just how hard it is for mothers and that’s what I don’t want. In a perfect world if I was independently wealthy and had a nanny and a support network, maybe I’d want children (or at least a child) but the world is not perfect. I don’t write full time but I can write around my editorial day job and I love my quiet mornings of writing in bed before work. I don’t want to switch that to the chaos of caring for a small person even if people say motherhood brings joy. I’m sure it does but it also brings expectation and a busy life where I would not just get to do whatever I wanted. Hard agree: “Has anyone really fucking looked at the way this world treats mothers / what it is like to have children??” 🙈
Felt every part of this article. I always assumed that there would be a moment where I felt magically “ready” and that I would want kids, but it’s never come. We need to normalize the drive to not have children and decrease that loneliness.
I enjoyed reading this Amie - it’s so thoughtful and honest. I’m 48 and I don’t have kids. At one stage I considered it but I never really wanted my own kids. I am relieved. It wasn’t right for me. I enjoy being an aunt and part time step mum. But I need time for myself and to create. It was the right decision for me and I’m glad you know what’s right for you.
I so fuckin' love this. The last decades of my life I felt the same. I am 55. I never wanted kids for so many reasons. It is something I did not take lightly. My decision came with lots of heart and thought and I too, felt the guilt, shame, the awfulness, the coldness among many other things. Did I hate kids? No. I love and adore kids, they are beautiful little souls, yet I couldn't see myself but for a small window of time thinking that maybe, possibly maybe? But I later stood firm in my decision and I got much cold and off putting attitude mainly from women. I felt ostersized by women, yet they, as a group, never were accepting of me to begin with (a different topic), and I kept feeling I had to prove myself as a woman, a loving and caring woman if I had kids. But no one asks about the single mom or the mom that is being abused by her husband and has no authority over her own body and home ans yet she is supposed to get it together for the sake of the kids and family and pretend that all is well. I just couldn't keep that charade for long. So when I became and adult, I decided not to have them. Oh the scrutiny. Yet now, at 55, I honestly, I am happy with my decision, a decision that was true to me, and I don't regret. It was challenged many times over, my decision, but at this point in my life in society the decision is more accepting and more women I meet feel like I do and are not feeling alone as I used to decades ago. I applaud your decision. It's your life and the life you and James is for you and how you want to live it. It's no one else's. In the end, it's how you see your life the richest and fullest and authentic to you. I love your brave. I say brave because this decision and to say it in the midst of so many people that want children and want you to jump on the bandwagon will have you torn, but if you are grounded in your decision either way in how you chose, it's all you. Living life unapologetically and authentically for you.
I love this, and I love you. And I love that I can hear your voice as I read this because of the authentic way you write. Thanks for letting us see you in your liminal space. The beautiful struggle of becoming - more you. xoxo
Absolutely loved reading this Amie. I knew in my 20s that the maternal instinct and desire my peers seemed to have to have kids, just wasn't in me. I was open to changing my mind for a while, but with time, I've begun to feel so grounded in my choice to be child-free (which is rooted in both personal inclinations and how I want my life to play out, as well an environmental perspective). Coming from a conservative society, and now 36, I have plenty of lines, mostly humorous ones. But I've also realized that choosing to be child-free is a privilege in a world where many women are groomed not to even see it as a choice.