Sharing my 2018 diary.

I Talked to My Younger Self Through Old Journals—Here's What Happened:

Hello dear friend,

As you may know, I’ve been diving back into my past journals.

Specifically, I have been spending time with my first ever journal, which began on April 16th 2018. I have felt called to reflect, to honour the creative journey I’ve been on. To bask in the rebellion and revolution of the past 6 years. To honour Amie. The Amie who chose to start healing and to start fighting for the life they wanted.

I want to share some excerpts with you, and I have responded to those experts from where I sit today, (tucked up in my english cottage with a good glass of red). I frequently think about how much I want to hold this past version of myself, and this little exercise feels like a hug, from me to me, stretching through the veil. Thank you for holding space for me, and I hope some of my story speaks to you as well.

4th July 2018

I had an interview for a full time social media role and I tried to be honest about being a writer, and how it will always be an important part of my life, but then she asked me where I want my career to go in social advertising and I literarily want it to die in a hole before it even starts .

My response on the 3rd July 2024:

I am emotional. I feel that knot in my throat as I write this letter to you. You felt so guilty for wanting to write, for not wanting these jobs. But your intolerance for meaningless work (which I know felt at the time like a stubborn unwillingness to be an adult) meant we strived for more, we built more, we created a life of meaningful creative work. You felt like shit during the years of interviews and job applications, but the fact that you dared to ask for more, changed everything.

6th August 2018

There doesn’t feel like there is space for me in this world, not for a happy, creatively fulfilled Amie.

My response on the 3rd July 2024:

There is so much fucking space for a happy, creatively fulfilled Amie. You demanded it, and fought for it and you got it. Then, you kept going, and you demand it for others.

12th September 2018

All my life I’ve believed I earn happiness through work and exhaustion. Work has to be work not play. If i want a creative life, its got to be hard, really hard. 

My response on the 3rd July 2024:

Oh honey. This narrative is our life’s work. The hustle, the grind, the productivity stories chase us to this day. But it has gotten so much easier. You have destroyed so many narratives that were keeping you exhausted. Creative life is very joyful, and there is so much ease. Art is play, after all.

22nd November 2018

I just said to James out loud, that there is something around the corner, waiting for me, that doesn’t require sacrificing my desires, or inner sparkle, and tears came to my eyes.

My response on the 3rd July 2024:

I remember this moment so clearly. I just looked up from my journaling, looked James straight in the eye and said it. It felt like a prophecy… and so it was. It wasn’t a single moment of change, no one swooped into save you, a book contract didn’t change everything - you slowly built yourself a creative life that fucking sparkles.

17th July 2018

I dont deserve to live a fully creative life. I’ve never had society tell me that I am valuable. I don’t affect anyone. I don’t make any money.

My response on the 3rd July 2024:

This ones hard for me to reply to. You will find all of these narratives wanting, over time. Thank you for enduring the silence, thank you for moving through the years of no money, movement and magic was happening in the wings, because you dared to write and continued to write when no one wanted to read your work. I owe everything I have today to you.